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Jul 15

Not pleasant

I’m not good today.  I’ve got a migraine to end all migraines and am broke and lonely and tired.  None of which is optimal for me when I’m trying to stay upbeat and raise children and not sink into a well of depression and moroseness.  Is moroseness a word?  Must be, because spellcheck has yet to correct me.  Oddly enough, spellcheck does tell me that spellcheck isn’t spelled correctly either.

All in all, not having a good day, and with a steamy hot week stretching out in front of me, it’s hard to work up the enthusiasm for much right now.  I do have a couple of bright spots – one being Julianna Ruth, who’s bopping around with her hair being held back with a wicked cute little headband topped with a huge purple flower.  I bought it  months ago, and she refused to wear it until today.  But she looks so stinking cute with her little curls held back off her face, I smile every time I see her. And Jessie is baking some corn bread, because that’s her new thing, baking.  Sam is scurrying around with blankets and pillows.  I don’t know what he’s doing, perhaps building a fort, or maybe, dream of all dreams, actually putting everything back where it belongs.  

In other news – we’re at the halfway point and Sam is already begging me to homeschool him in the fall.  I don’t want to homeschool, I don’t think it’s a good idea for him.  He needs practice being out in the world, and relaxing and having fun.  We went to a party yesterday – and for the first two to three hours, he was an unhappy boy.  Just… not happy.  Not miserable, not making things hard for anyone, but after several hours, he just came out of his shell, and started to play and have fun and relax and talk to people, and he was so much happier.  I had so many people tell me how sweet he was, and what a good boy, how friendly and chatty and content he was – but he needed HOURS to get to that point.  I really think he just needs practice and exposure to people.  If he didn’t get happy, if he didn’t legitimately enjoy himself once he relaxed, I wouldn’t feel this way – but because he does, because he becomes a leader, organizing games and playing and just … being SAM, I really feel confident that he needs school.  He needs that interaction.  He doesn’t like it, but he’s happier with it.

Ugh.  I hate feeling like this.  I hate being miserable and sad and unhappy.  Nobody does, I know, but my normal state is NOT this.  I’m usually cheerful.  I’m usually the-glass-is-half-full kind of girl, and this feeling of just heaviness and misery is not my desired state.

Send me some sunshine – mental sunshine – we’ve got enough of the actual stuff, thank you.  But I need some cheerful dust badly.

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