Today’s my catch up day. I’m making chocolate chip cookies, because I’m out and have somehow fallen into the routine of constantly having homemade cookies in the house. And bread – because why not? Right? It’s super easy to make and I doubled the recipe and will be having some homemade pizza for lunch as well. Cracked the code on homemade pizza – precook the crust, just until it starts to get brown. SO much better. I’m also doing laundry, because taking one day off from laundry is enough to spin the entire cycle (literally and figuratively) out of whack. I’m kind of shocked at the sheer volume of clothes that need to be washed, dried and folded.
Kids are both doing well in school these days – Jessie is growing up so fast I’m still a little taken aback by it. She’s so much more responsible these days, doing her own homework with little to no oversight from me. Packing her own lunches and getting her little self ready all the time. She’s so beautiful to me, all the time. I still can’t quite believe she’s mine.
Sam is really doing well too – today was the first day in two weeks that he’d balked about going to school – and I was firm. Loving, but also very matter of fact about it, and didn’t let myself get caught up in the emotion. It’s okay to hate art. It’s not okay to lose your mind screaming about it. And he didn’t. He pulled it together and ate breakfast and went to school. I was so proud of him. And of myself – because I’ve really, really struggled with Sam and his school anxieties. But it’s easy to believe that he can’t do it, and then he lives down to that expectation – and that’s not okay. Not fair to him – even though it seems counter productive to not comfort a kid who’s crying because he doesn’t want to leave. But comforting him just reinforced that it was too hard for him, and gave him the message that he couldn’t do it. Part of it was my own guilt over sending him somewhere he hated, and part of it was just because it’s hard not to react when your baby boy is screaming for you. I’ve never been good at walking away from my kids when they’re begging me to stay. But he’s stronger than he thinks, and I’m sorry to admit, stronger than I had been led to believe. I think so many people told me that he was fragile and in need of support, that I started to think that he couldn’t handle school like he should. I had always read about how parents need to advocate for their kids – but never really understood what that was about, until it was my son, and a school adjustment counsellor that was convinced he needed more dramatic intervention. He doesn’t. What he needs is support and encouragement, like every other six year old, and also firm, clear expectations.
Which actually brings me to my next topic – Julianna Ruth. She’s become increasingly attached over the past couple of months. And I’m realizing now that she’s literally never without me. Even coming with me to drop the kids off at school in the morning, she’d rather get up and come than stay here with her Daddy – and she loves her Daddy to pieces. She’s shying away from people trying to talk to her, and she never used to do that. So I’m looking for opportunities to leave her with people. I joined the gym down the street, and will leave her here with Marc and siblings on the weekends, and I talked to Becky and my mother – and asked for help. I hate asking people to take my kids, but I think Julie really needs this.