I’ve never been induced before. With the other two, I went into labor. Wasn’t expecting it, wasn’t desperate for it, it just happened. With Jess, it was all so new and exciting and with Sam, it was such a sudden shock that I don’t think I fully realized what was happening until after he was born. But with this one – it’s been completely different. I’m wandering around the house, trying to think of all the last minute things that I’m forgetting, packing like I’m leaving for an overseas trip and in the back of my mind, terrified of what might go wrong.

I’m a worrier by nature. I like to imagine worst case scenarios and prepare for them, and then be delightfully surprised when they don’t happen. Not completely, because I also like to stay optimistic and hope for the best. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. And the worst case scenario is pretty bad, when it comes to birth. I think there’s a tiny part of every woman that’s aware that it wasn’t that long ago that dying in childbirth wasn’t unheard of. Even though there’s no indication that anything might even slightly go wrong with this birth, the baby and I are both staggeringly healthy – there’s still a tiny, unreasonably, irrational part of me that’s a little freaked out. Just a little.

Of course, I’m also a little freaked out about it hurting. Cause it’s gonna hurt. There’s no way around that. Pitocin is no joke. And even though I know for sure I’m getting the epidural, there’s going to be some serious pain involved.

Plus – I’m going to have another baby. A newborn, with all that it entails, midnight feedings, constant attention, nursing 24/7, plus all the complications that go along with introducing a new family member, how will Sam adjust, how will Jessie adjust, how will Marc adjust? It’s a lot to think about…

And every time I’ve started to panic tonight, I remember that by this time tomorrow, I’m going to be holding my tiny baby in my arms. And then all the worry disappears and I’m just all the way thrilled.

I went in for my weekly check up yesterday – only to discover that I was (still) only 3 centimeters. Constant contractions, exhausted, frustrated – and with staggeringly high blood pressure. So I got admitted to labor and delivery for evaluation and lab work. My labs were fine and the bp came down a little, enough so that I was able to go home. But I was so miserable… I just want my baby, and it’s so frustrating to be having these contractions and not making any progress. Cindy put me on bedrest (which is really not as much fun as it sounds) and told me that she wanted to see me back in the office tomorrow.

I went in earlier, and my bp was still high (152/90) but not scary high, and since I’ve got no signs of hypertension, no swelling, the labs are fine, and the baby is great, she’s not too concerned about it. But she asked what I wanted to do, we had briefly discussed induction yesterday. I took a deep breath and told her I wanted to get her out. She said she thought it was the right decision, that it had been a really rough pregnancy and that it was time. So I’m scheduled for induction tomorrow morning at 6:30.

I’m incredibly nervous, but beyond thrilled as well. I’ve never been induced, so part of it is scary, plus I know how much labor freaking hurts, so that’s scary too. But I’m so ready to hold this baby, so ready to see her and I can’t be anything other than absolutely delighted at the prospect of having her in my arms.

So send good delivery thoughts my way tomorrow morning around six thirty :-). I’ll post an update with pictures as soon as I can 🙂

I made Marc take Jess into the pediatrician’s yesterday, and it turns out that she’s got strep throat. On the upside, she LOVES amoxicillin, so is great about taking her meds and the fever has gone way down. I’m optimistic that she might be able to go back to school by Wednesday. When she was tiny, Jess had a zillion ear infections – and it seemed as though she was always on amoxicillin. We called it her “bubble gum syrup” and she was so happy to get another rx for it. For the most part, my kids are super healthy, so she hasn’t had it in a long time (once her ears got bigger, the infections stopped), but I’m amused at how happy she was to start taking it again.

Still no baby… but I’m learning how hope really does spring eternal. Even though there’s a part of me that’s starting to doubt that I’ll ever go into labor on my own (if it hasn’t happened yet, I’m thinking that maybe they’ll just need to break my water to get this party started), I still get all excited when the contractions pick up. Last night, I was getting them every couple of minutes, they weren’t painful exactly, but they were definitely uncomfortable and I got a little excited, planned out the night, took a nice shower so I’d be all clean, figured I’d put Sam to bed first, try and get Jess settled, and they still were constant – not getting any worse, but not going away either. So then I decided that I’d try and rest a little, get a little sleep in because I’d be up all night having my baby… lo and behold, nothing. I just slept. Woke up to go to the bathroom, drugged Jess in the middle of the night when she was burning up with fever. I’m still contracting this morning, and I swear to God, I still think it could happen. Like at any minute, I could stand up and my water could break. You’d think I’d learn, you’d think I’d resign myself to nothing ever happening – but nope – I remain constantly ready, constantly at alert. It’s wearing me out – just the emotional toll of being ever ready to launch into hard labor. She’ll come eventually, right?

Sam just went tearing into the living room, all excited because dinner was ready. And of course, wiped out, tripped over something and crashed. He came sobbing into the dining room where I was standing and I picked him up and rubbed his foot. I’m huge, so picking him up is a big of a project but I managed it somehow and he was hiccuping thru the tears and I said “Oh Sammy, I’m so sorry, you hurt your foot, you poor boy…” and he nodded his head and said sadly “And that was my FAVORITE foot!”

I started posting about being dilated and contractions on the last day of March. This is hands down, the longest labor EVER. I had some good contractions last night, not enough to make me double over in pain but enough to make me pause and think “maybe…” but then… nothing. They go away.

Jess is sick as a dog, came home from the party crying and feverish. I took her temp (101.6) and cancelled my plans to stay home with her. She was weepy and sick all day, napped for a while, went to bed early, and was up at three o’clock, burning up and so sick. I gave her more motrin and snuggled her into bed, but she was up for at least an hour or so. She’s still sound asleep and it’s nine o’clock. I’m hoping she sleeps really late and is much better today. Sam and Jordyn are bopping around the living room, they’re so cute together. I think it’s fabulous that Sam’s got his best friend here every day to play with.

Just really kind of pudgy. That’s why the baby isn’t coming out – I’ve just had really bad indigestion for the past nine months.

At home for a while today – Jess spent the night at Lilli’s birthday slumber party, and was up until past midnight. With that information, I quickly decided to spend the afternoon anywhere else but here, because truly, an exhausted Jess is just no fun at all. So Becky and I are going to go see a movie. Our car is being held hostage by a mechanic, not really being held hostage, because he claims he’ll give it back eventually, but it was supposed to be ready yesterday afternoon with a brand new motor and is now there until at least sometime on Monday. This makes me a little insane, because I’m stressing out all the time anyway about how to get to the hospital and childcare arrangements (enough to make me understand why so many women go for the scheduled C-section – it’s so much easier to plan for it as opposed to living for a month knowing that at any point, you could have to throw all your plans out and rush to the hospital for three days). But I’ve been assured over and over again, by pretty much everyone, that we’ll be just fine, we have lots of friends and family, and everyone is looking forward to the opportunity to step in and help get us there and watch our kids for the duration.

Watched television last night – Marc was over at the party with both kids, and I got three or four hours of just alone time at home. And it was delightful, I walked up the street and got Chinese take out, and watched a bunch of television that I had recorded and never had time to watch. Then Marc and I had another one of our weekend battles – they aren’t bad battles, but it’s a source of conflict, simmering all the time, occasionally flaring up. I like to DO things on the weekend, and especially if there’s housework that needs to be done, I like to tackle it and get it over and done with, he likes to relax and flow thru the day. Neither of us is wrong, exactly, but neither of us is wholly right either, and we both are pretty crappy at compromising right off the bat. Add in a missing car, a super pregnant wife who’s desperate to go into labor and two kids who are delighted to sit and play Wii with him for hours, and it wasn’t a great Saturday. We resolved it, as we always do – it takes a while to get thru, because Marc’s better at avoiding conflict and I have to sometimes really push in order to get him to talk calmly about it, but in the end, we both agree that we love each other, don’t want to fight and really do work hard at understanding the other person’s point of view. I’m incredibly grateful for that – I don’t think I could handle any other kind of marriage.

I’m really looking forward to having the baby be here. I keep thinking how much better it’d be if she was here with us, instead of me pregnant with her. Not only will it be more fun – I LOVE babies, but I’d be so much calmer, so much more physically capable of everything. I would not do well with a chronic illness, and am so weary of hauling my pregnant body around – I can’t wait to be me again. Although I thought to myself this morning, as I got out of the shower – that I do really look good. Sort of earth-mother-ish, all fertile and blossoming. I didn’t gain a lot of weight with this one, I think I’m under fifteen pounds, and it’s all right in the belly.

My new goal is just to go into labor naturally. Not to have to be induced. I don’t want a c-section, I want to bounce back from this baby within a week and be good to go :-). I didn’t have to be induced with the other two, they did break my water with the girl child, but I started labor without it. Of course, I, according to that measurement, started labor with this one about three weeks ago. I’ve been contracting forever, and was two centimeters dilated at the beginning of April.

I go back and forth… last night, I went out by myself (is there anything more exciting then the car all to yourself with the radio up loud?) and got a big sundae at Friendly’s (for the baby :-)). I decided that it was actually a good thing that she wasn’t here yet, because really, I’m probably never going to be pregnant again, and there’s something magical and wonderful about it. I should embrace this time, really adopt a theory of total self-indulgence. If I want a sundae, go ahead, get a sundae. If I want to blow off a family function – I’ve got the best excuse ever. I decided that I’d spend the remainder of the pregnancy doing exactly what I wanted, when I wanted. I was happy, came home, took a nice hot shower, put on lots of lotion and just enjoyed being all big and watching my belly move.

Then this morning, I woke up and started having contractions again – and got all excited, because maybe, just maybe, she’s actually going to come today. The contractions have been hit or miss all day, some of them are strong, some of them are nothing. They aren’t progressing into anything, they aren’t consistent – and I’m ready to cry, I’m so disappointed.

Sam woke up too early this morning, he was awake before six thirty. And so when he fell asleep just before five this afternoon, I just shrugged. I knew he needed the sleep – but Sam’s a really crappy napper. He’s always been a great sleeper, but ever since he gave up the nap about six or eight months ago, naps make him groggy and confused. And today – the nap made him lose his little mind…

He slept for about two hours and woke up screaming. Screaming. Furious at me, wouldn’t let me hold him or comfort him, but cried harder and screamed for me when I tried to get off the chair where he was. He started swinging at me, kicking out at me, which earned him a three minute time out – I’m pretty hard core about not hitting the Mama. But he was just wrecked. Could not stop screaming, wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, wouldn’t let me hold him, wouldn’t let me leave him… and it went on for about a half hour. He’s all worn out now… and I still don’t know what started or what stopped it. There are hidden depths to Sam that I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand. Because something was wrong, I don’t know if it was a nightmare or if he was hurt or sick – there’s no fever, nothing that I can easily discern as the problem, and he refused to talk during or after the crying jag. He actually wet his pants, he was crying so hard, and I can’t, for the life of me, tell you what caused it.

But I know that naps are NEVER a good idea for my little boy.

I like having my girl home. I do. But it’s hard having her home, plus her buddy, plus the two other kids I sit for, plus Sam. And Marc’s on a new work out kick, and hasn’t been home any night this week, plus the contractions just won’t quit. I’m so tired…

Had some serious contractions yesterday and last night. Took some benedryl and they gradually drifted away. No longer believe that the child will ever actually come, I’ll just keep taking cold medicine and get bigger and bigger and bigger until I explode.

I have no new news or updates. Other than Jessie’s in one of those stages where she’s climbing into bed with me every night – which scares me because how am I going to manage with three kids in my bed? My vacuum cleaners are still broken, and I’m a sad, dusty girl as a result.

No real reason, I think I’m just frustrated with the waiting. And being frustrated doesn’t get me anywhere, so you’d think I’d move past it and into sunshiney happiness, but so far, nope – I’m grumpy and embracing it. I’m having a second cup of coffee, which I never do, but I’m operating on the theory that maybe I need a little extra chemical assistance today, and I’m so far along that an extra dose of caffiene won’t hurt the baby.

I’ve always gone into my labors thinking that I want to wait as long as I can to get the epidural – but with this one, if I could get hooked up now, I would. The thought of having no feeling from the waist down sounds delightful to me. I’m all about sciatic pain, lower back pain, contractions pretty constantly, and I’m so wishing that I could be me again. I’m not an overly physical person on a good day, I’ve never even been close to what you’d consider an athlete – but I’m generally in pretty good health, able to jump up and walk. I miss that. I miss not being able to get up without thinking about it first and weighing whether or not it’s worth the effort.

There are parts of being pregnant that I’ll miss. I’ll miss the belly, strangely enough. I’ll miss this closeness with the baby, this sense that we’re almost one person, that I’m creating a whole new life inside of me. I’ll miss the doctor’s appts, hearing the heartbeat, and taking extra good care of my body because it’s like taking care of my child. I’ll miss Sammy kissing my belly and giving me a hug, and then an extra hug for the baby. I’ll miss Jessie feeling the baby kick.

It’s gorgeous out today – and if I didn’t feel like any sort of activity will start up meaningless contractions that won’t put me into labor, then I’d be inclined to head outside for a nice long walk. I’m going to talk to Cindy today, my appt is at 11:30, and see what she thinks. Maybe I’m at the point where the contractions will actually do something. It was at this appt with Sam that my water broke, so I’m hoping history repeats itself.