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May 07

All is well

Got Lizziebeth’s nails trimmed and fur cut way down, she looks like an entirely new dog now. Not entirely sure I love it – I miss my scruffy little mess. Now she’s all sleek and looks like a shorn sheep. The good news is that we also got her a new leash, and it’s specifically for dogs who pull unmercifully. It really does make an enormous difference – Julie is able to walk her now.

Things are starting to open up. Slowly, slowly, and I’m still scared. Also confused, because from everything I’m reading, it’s not like coronavirus is going anywhere, so at some point, we’re going to have to start living our lives again. Even though there’s this huge disease out there, just hanging out, super contagious and potentially deadly.

Kids are all hanging in, and Marc is doing the same. Jessie is focused all the time on AP tests and SAT prep. She leaves the house almost every day, going for walks or coming with me to the store. She never goes in, she just sits in the car. Sam is also afraid to leave the house, he doesn’t want to get sick. Which is perfectly rational, instead of agoraphobic. But he’s happy – I think this is his best case scenario. Although he really wishes the girls would stop fighting all the time. Julie is the one who’s struggling the most. She liked her life a lot – and it all came crashing down.

Marc has taken to working out daily, and yesterday, he was in so much pain he was literally convulsing in the car. I’m frustrated that he keeps doing that to himself, and not sure if he’s just really bad at working out, if he’s getting older and needs to chill the hell out, or if he’s psychologically dealing with all the anxiety and stress that he won’t acknowledge by subconsciously pushing his body far beyond what it’s still capable of. The hitch is that his mental health is so dependent on being able to get a good work out, and his diabetes is kept under control, in large part, by working out consistently.

I’m actually okay. I mean, on some level, I’m terrified. Of everything. Of impending financial doom (although we’re actually fine now), of everyone I love getting sick and/or dying. I worry about Jessie’s senior year, and then her going off to college, about Sam and being able to do things independently when he can’t get his IEP set up because of the pandemic, about poor Julie getting depressed and sad because she can’t see her friends and go to school. But when I’m not terrified, it’s actually a very peaceful time in our lives. Everyone is home, safe, and spending all kinds of time hanging out and reading. I’m crocheting a blanket.

We’ll get thru this – and probably look back wistfully. But I’d like to be able to go to the beach this summer.

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