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Apr 21

April Vacation 2015

One thing I’m grateful for is that I really did make a point of recognizing that you only get one April vacation a year.  Which is to say that while I’ve done April vacation every year since Jessica started school seven years ago, each one was specific and distinct from the others.  This is the last vacation I’ll have when Julie isn’t old enough to go to school yet.  The only one with a 12 year old, an 8 year old, and a 4 year old.

I feel, sometimes, like I’m getting so much older.  My kids are getting so much older.  I have two grey hairs on my head, and I see them every night.  I haven’t pulled them out yet, and haven’t decided if I should rush out and get my hair colored or not.  I dream of being pregnant – literally.  Last night, I dreamt that I pregnant and going for the prenatal testing to see if the baby is okay.   I can’t decide if that means that I want to get pregnant, should get pregnant, or am just remembering fondly that I once was pregnant.

I’m in this really weird time in my life, everything is in transition, and I don’t know which end is up.  At the same time, everything is settled and predictable and easier than it’s ever been.  Marc is finally working a regular job, with control over his schedule and we’re financially able to pull off everything we need to be able to get done.  Jessie is thriving in middle school, Sam is in that easy-peasy stage of childhood where he’s styling, and Julianna is just about to bop off to kindergarten.

Do I get a job in September, go off birth control and throw myself into starting over again, or launch myself full steam ahead into a career of free-lance writing?  Should I become a teacher?  Get certified to teach preschool or infant care?  Could I get pregnant if I wanted to?  Do I want to?  Would a baby fit into my family now?  Where would I put a baby?  Is this just the last dying gasps of my fertility, making a desperate attempt to turn back the clock?  I’ll be 42, I think, on my next birthday (and the fact that I typed “I think”  because without pausing to think back, I really can’t remember if I’m 40 or 41 doesn’t say much about my cognitive ability to handle another child).  I probably couldn’t even get pregnant.  That’s mostly okay – I think I’m content with my three, especially because my three are also a part of Marc’s two, so I’ve really got FIVE, and that’s a lot of kids.

So there’s all that going on, at the same time that I’m doing my best to enjoy my April vacation with my three.  We’ve got Glennys down for the beginning of the week, and we’re probably going up to North Conway tomorrow to bring her home.    The weather was wonderful over the weekend, and rainy all day yesterday.  Today is rainy, but rumors of sunshine persist for the afternoon.  I’m going to take the kids down to my mother’s house, and then we’ll do playgrounds.

While it may be true that there is now the time and luxury to ponder and wonder and over-analyze about what my next steps might be, there is also the immediate now.  I worry about Sam’s school performance, Jessie’s Hebrew studies and whether Julie will mimic Sam’s panic over starting kindergarten.  I love watching Sam with his friends, and talking about politics with Jessie and encouraging Julie and Marc to wrestle and talk before bed.  There is still so much happening with my kids, with my husband… right now is busy enough, I don’t really need to spend all this time panicking over what’s going to happen in five months when Julie goes off to school.  But the deadline is there – just waiting for me to figure out the next step.

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