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Jan 28

Daily chaos

It’s been one of those days.  You know the ones, where you’re just running from one place to another and the laundry is piling up, and there’s eighty seven thousand things on your to-do list, and you know that you’ve forgotten to put a bunch of stuff on there.  I’m not sure if it’s an organizational thing – perhaps I need to get better at actually writing things down on a list and not just keeping them in a mental file.  But I keep buying notebooks and writing things down, and then one kid or another will need to color and there goes my list.  My brain may be cluttered, but at least it’s just mine.  Nobody colors in my brain.

I turned 40 on Saturday. And it was… yeah, just what I thought it would be.  I meant to go to services at the synagogue and ended up dissolving into tears because I was so old.  By the time I pulled myself together, I would have been so late that it wasn’t worth it to go.  I felt… fragile, for lack of a better word, all day.  Like it was something awful that was happening to me.  I had stayed up all night the night before, trying to pep talk myself into it.  It’s better than being dead, for example.   But that didn’t make me feel better, oddly enough.  But the day came and went, and I’m still here.

And I had a lovely party – Marc worked so hard, and my friends David and Aviva let him throw the party at their house.   Marc’s family came, and there’s a whole lot of Cohens, so that was lovely.  My family was not as big, but my parents were there, and my sister and Becky.  And all my friends were there, and it was…. nice.  It was.  I’m very lucky, and I’m not unaware of that.  Because I do have a big extended family and lots and lots of wonderful friends, and it was loud and fun and kids were running everywhere.

But I was still 40 – and mostly, I’m just glad that the day is over.

So – life goes on.  Which, in and of itself, is a pretty major statement and a good reason why I should stop writing about being forty.  Jessie was sick all last week, with a sore throat and headache.  Lethargic and mopey, and I brought her into the pediatrician twice to make sure that it wasn’t strep.  The second time, the doctor suggested that perhaps we do some bloodwork to rule out mono – and that was enough to kick-start her into health.  She was magically much better after that.  Girlfriend hates bloodwork.  Julie is still a little misty at drop off for preschool, but not going in the castle any more, which is good.  Sam is my easiest kid, most of the time.  Except for when he isn’t – and then he’s holy moly incredibly challenging.  He still struggles with anxiety, but it’s only for specific things – like being late for school.  But we keep working on it.  He works on it, and one of the challenges is that because he is so emotionally sensitive, and such an introspective kid, getting him to get outside of his head and gain a little perspective is a struggle.


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