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Apr 28

I’d do it again in heartbeat.

It was my toughest pregnancy, by far.  I ended up on nausea meds with my other two kids, but with Julianna, the morning sickness seemed worse.  And the itching – oh God, the itching.  My skin was so dry, and nothing seemed to help.  I was contracting all the time, and I wanted to have that baby out more than anything in the whole wide world.  I didn’t want to be pregnant any more.  I wanted my baby, in my arms.  I wanted to hold her and see her and squeeze her.

I cried more during that pregnancy.  I remember sobbing when Marc would come home for lunch, and crying when he’d come home at night.  I itched, oh God, I itched.  I worried about how Jessie would handle it, I worried more about how Sammy would handle it.  Sammy potty trained, and weaned during the nine months we were waiting for Julianna.  He grew up so much, so fast, I worried my pregnancy was forcing him to miss out on some of his babyhood.

I just wanted to have my baby.  I didn’t like being pregnant anymore.  It was hard, I was puking all the time, I had to pee constantly, heartburn was horrendous.

So why am I all wistful and sad tonight?  I look at Julianna today, in all her three year old glory, and she’s bright and beautiful and goofy and I can’t imagine what my life would be like without her in it.

I don’t know if I’m feeling sad because I want to have another baby or if I just miss having baby Julie.   Because my girl is big and bold and so not a baby anymore.

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