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May 05

I’m making a list

I started writing down everything this child does. And even though I’ve only been doing it for half a day so far, it’s already helped to set my mind at ease. With Julianna, I’m only as good as her last feeding – and the nursing sessions last night were really hard. She cried for almost an hour, arching her back and struggling to get away from the breast at one point, I cried right along with her. She nursed three times, and all three were miserable for both of us.

But this morning has been much better, and by writing it down, I can see and actually track how long, whether she uses the shield or not, how long she fights, wet versus messy diapers, etc. And really, it’s not as bad as it sometimes seems. She’s nursed three times since five o’clock this morning, two wet diapers, one messy – and each time she’s nursed, she’s latched on with minimal or no struggle, with the shield twice and once without.

I’m so sleepy – and just came in from sitting outside with the kids. Julianna dozed in the sling and Sam and Jordyn built a “campfire” out of leaves and sticks and then spent the next half hour sitting on it to protect it from the wind and talking about the marshmellows they wished they’d had. The sunshine is so gorgeous, and the street we live on is so pretty, with all the trees and the flowers. I feel a little sun drunk, you know what I mean? Between the sunshine and the lack of sleep, I’m in this bleary, confused, but happy state of mind.

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