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Mar 31

I’m not handling this well

Just so we’re clear – I am not rising to the challenge. I’m frustrated, scared, near tears a lot of the time, and fighting with everyone. Except Sam, because it’s really hard to fight with a kid who steadfast refuses to ask me for anything that might stress me out. Not that I’m saying that’s good – because it’d probably be a hell of a lot healthier for him if he didn’t have this desire to constantly please me, but right now, when I’ve argued with Marc, Jessie and Julie – having one person who simply wants me to smile is reassuring.

Everyone is stressed out – I know that. Jessie is miserable stuck at home, she hates this apartment, can’t find anything to wear ever because her weight keeps going up and down, and nothing fits. She’s been losing weight over this year, because her diet is so limited, and now none of her clothes fit. Plus, the apartment is small, and everyone is on top of each other and that’s especially hard for my girl. Marc is outwardly doing great – he’s structured and doing 100% of the dishes, and the majority of the cooking, he’s teachig himself Hebrew and working out all the time. But he’s stressed out in little ways, and it’s not always easy to manage that. My poor Julianna is stuck, feeling like she’s always in the way, not on any kind of a routine, and super sensitive.

It’s been a really crappy day, on top of a really crappy day yesterday, and I’m worn out. I’m afraid of losing people I love, afraid of getting sick, afraid of not getting a paycheck anymore, afraid of Marc not going back to work, afraid of not being able to buy a house. The news is terrifying, all the time, and it’s just this sense of impending doom. Because you can be sick for up to two weeks before showing any symptoms, I don’t know that we aren’t sick, or that someone isn’t going to get sick. And even though I know, statistically, if one of us (the seven of us) were to get sick, we’d probably be fine, there’s always that chance. Of dying alone, in a hospital bed, without anyone we love there. And when I’m not worrying about that – I’m worrying about my mother, my in-laws, my aunts… this is just such an awful time, and even though I’m trying to handle it all with equanimity, I’m a hot mess much of the time.

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