I’ve got a lot to be profoundly grateful for in my life. Three healthy, happy children, a husband who’s as attracted to me now as he was when we first met. But sometimes… all this love is a little more than I can handle. Does that make sense? I know it’s just a side effect of nursing an infant and having a sick boy (sinus infection – he starts the antibiotics today), and having a daughter who’s adjusting to a LOT of time out in the world without Mommy (between school, Hebrew school and dance classes, Jess is gone the vast majority of her waking hours). But sometimes… like last night, for example, I feel just so overwhelmed sometimes – like everyone WANTS me desperately and I just want ten minutes alone. Alone, alone, alone. With nobody touching me, nobody reaching up to be held, crying when I put her down, or begging for a drink,a snuggle, some attention.
God, that sounds awful. I know that.
I have what I always dreamed of. I had my kids late, by my standards. Most people in my family had children very early, and I had just turned 29 when Jessica was born. I wanted to be a mommy desperately – and feel incredibly ungrateful complaining about being loved too much now.
So after a crying jag last night with my ever patient husband, we concluded that we had to institute a little “No Touch” time for me. I literally never go out alone. I always take someone with me, and mostly, I’m home with the kids and not going out anywhere. But I’m going to make an effort, at least once a week, to leave the kids home with Marc and go out for coffee. Alone. Just to remember what’s it’s like to be Melissa.