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Oct 11

One month in

It’s more like a month and a week, but being on time has never been a strong point for me.

Julianna bounced into school like a duck to water. It’s a good metaphor, because a duck legit needs water and is happiest there, and truly, that’s what it feels like. She’s in her best place. Even though I’m not completely confident that Gates Lane is the best elementary school in the city, I will say that her teachers are committed and involved, and after the first few weeks, they bumped her up to the upper level math and ELA classes. She’s made friends quickly, loves her art classes, is adjusting beautifully. There was nothing about covid isolation that was positive for her, although I selfishly loved having her home with me. But she loves being at school, and I love how much lighter and more content she seems to be.

Jessie is also thriving. It was a rough month. It just was – moving out was hard. But she did all the right things, and soldiered through the misery and it’s starting to get good for her. She loves her classes, loves her clubs and is starting to feel like it’s home. I miss her, terribly. I mean, it’s this constant ache that I’m slowly adjusting to – but it never goes away. She came home for a night this weekend, and I missed her so much after she went back – it was awful. I know she’s where she belongs, and honestly, I was so focused on making sure that she was okay, I didn’t really have time to miss her. Now that she’s settling in – now I miss her. It’s hard.

Sam – Sam is growing up suddenly so quickly. It’s like he was on hold from the time he was nine, and suddenly went through the past five years in the past five weeks. He’s nine feet tall, wearing real pants, taking the bus, learning braille and in high school. He’s in high school. There’s still so much that I feel like we need to do for him to go to college, and I’m entering into that overdrive stage where I feel like I have to fight all the time to get the aid that he deserves. The problem is that there’s no clear agreement on what he needs. Does he need braille or more independence training? Is TECCA even accessible for him? Has anyone ordered his equipment? I don’t know any of the answers, and nobody else does either. I’m just shouting into the void, hoping for guidance and help. I rarely get it. But sometimes I do, and it’s like patching together an educational plan for him. His grades are great – but that’s apparently part of why it’s so hard to get the services he needs. But I can’t let him fail, because he wants college, and high school grades matter.

Marc is working. And doing security for BI religious services, DM-ing D&D games, going to the gym. He fills his days with obligations and commitments, and I think he’s happy. At least, I don’t know that there’s much he’s able to change. Or wants to – which is really the point. We still try to find time together, and talk four or five times a day – but this is a busy time for us.

I’m starting to see a therapist tomorrow. Not really because I wanted to – but because Sam’s therapist said I was insane to NOT be in therapy. That having a kid who was dealing with all the stuff that Sam is dealing with and not having someone to talk to about it was not okay. And while I’m great at recognizing when my kids need help, and making sure they get it, I’m less effective at seeing when I need help. I’m not at all sure that I would have gotten myself a therapist at all, except that Caitlin, Sam’s therapist, who has been there through everything, said that we need to really push hard over the next few years to get Sam where he need to be, and that I needed to be talking to someone for support as I’m shoving my son out into the world. Then she called around, and sent me the names and numbers of therapists who both take my insurance and have no waiting list.

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