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Jan 14

So much vacation….

I could get used to this.

We had a snow day before Christmas vacation, we were off for a week, went back on Tuesday, took Thursday and Friday off for a snow day, and now we’ve got another three day weekend.

The only hitch is that I’m totally out of practice at sticking to a routine now.  Its all very laid back and relaxed.  Sam sleeps until noon, Julie’s up until 9:30 or 10:00, Jessie’s losing hours watching netflix.

I know I’ve been slacking on the blog lately.  Part of it is that the kids are getting older, and there’s a sense that I want to respect their privacy (and yes, I know that I was still writing a lot when Jessie was Julie’s age, and that means that I’m missing out on those really cute Julie stories…. the guilt is constant).

But that’s where we are.  Jessie is fourteen, and she’ll be fifteen in a few weeks.  I’m just going to leave that there, because FIFTEEN is ridiculous.  Fifteen.  It was YESTERDAY that she was so tiny, and I only felt real when I was holding her.

Sam is 11.  And that’s equally insane.

But the biggest one, for me, right now, is that my baby is almost eight.  I feel like I missed her childhood.  I know I didn’t.  I know I probably paid more attention to her babyhood/toddlerhood/early childhood than the other kids, simply because she was the last one.   But it FEELS like it all went by so quickly.  I was looking at pictures earlier, and there’s a shot from Jessie’s bat mitzvah and I was holding Julianna.  That was two years ago, and I can’t remember the last time I was able to haul her up on my hip and wander around.   I mean, I did. Of course, I did.  I remember thinking that I did it way too much with her, more than with the other kids, because she was the baby.  There wasn’t a baby coming up afterwards to push her out of my arms, so I held her constantly.  She didn’t reliably walk until she was easily 17 or 18 months.  Not because she couldn’t, but because I held her all the time.

I wish I had done it more.

They’re all so big now.  And I love that, I do.  I love that Jessie is so funny, and I love the way Sam’s mind works.  I love watching Julie fall in love with everything, how everything is new and adventurous and fun for her, and she’s so brave and bold.   But I miss my babies.  I miss Jessie laying her her little head on my shoulder and falling asleep, and Sammy toddling around after me, holding my book so I’d sit and nurse and snuggle while I read.  I miss baby Julie, who fell asleep every night snuggled up in my arms, and started every morning by crawling into my lap.

Misty and vaguely hormonal tonight… and it’s past nine.  I really should get that poor kid into bed.

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