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May 07


Basically, I let her cry in her room for about 45 minutes (and she screamed and cried the whole time) and after I had cleaned the entire house, I went in and helped her get ready for bed. She was flipping out about a whole bunch of stuff, but mainly she had wanted to go for a walk to Elm Park, and it was way too far and way too late to be attempting a walk that long when she couldn’t stop sobbing long enough to explain why she wanted to go. So she was asleep by eight o’clock.

Marc played with Sam for a while, and then Sam came to nurse to sleep. He’s never going to stop nursing. I keep trying, I have refused to nurse him since he got up this morning – I’m really going to try and limit him just to falling asleep, and once I get him weaned off during the day, I’m going to work towards getting him to just snuggle to sleep. I do this with no real hope that it’ll work, I think I’m setting myself up for failure, because I don’t think he’ll stop until he’s fifteen. But I’m really tired of it. At least I am this morning. Clearly, I need more coffee.

Kids are healthy and happy (the previous night’s events notwithstanding) and Marc is clipping along nicely. Not a lot of romance and hearts and flowers these days, but we function really well as a cohesive team, and sometimes, that’s just as good. Relationships, my relationship, specifically, goes in cycles. We’re in a teamwork cycle now.

I’ve been kind of off, lately. Not depressed, because there’s nothing really bothering me, but I don’t feel as sunshiney happy as I normally do. There’s nothing concrete bugging me, I’m just not thrilled with everything. I wish Jess would start to enjoy school and stop crying about it all the time, especially because she’s really got no problems there. She’s doing well, has friends, is doing great academically, but she complains all the time about it. I wish Sam would stop throwing things (it’s his newest obsession – he screams “blastoff” and throws whatever he happens to be holding across the room) and try as I might, I can’t break him of the habit. I wish he’d stop nursing on his own, or at least let me stop nursing him without the tears and misery that I fear I’m in for. I wish Marc would come home and be all happy to see me, as opposed to just… existing and hanging out on the computer.

Maybe I just need some chocolate? Only that brings up a whole other issue, which is that suddenly, now that I’m 35, my metabolism is not working any more and I’m suddenly chubby. My clothes don’t fit any more, which makes me sad, which makes me reach for the chocolate, which… see? It’s not going well in my world.

Okay – let’s review (with a positive spin, because I’m starting to depress the hell out of myself).

1. Jessica is beautiful and bright, doing exceptionally well in school. No hint of any behavior issues, she’s an angel the entire time she’s there, and I know that she’s doing well socially. Her hair is growing nice and long, and she’s debating cutting it short like Anne in Anne of Green Gables. She’s reading more and more, and we’re switching her to a new school next fall, where hopefully, she’ll feel more challenged and excited about going. But when I think about the problems that we COULD be having with her, really, I’m so lucky.

2. Sam is really starting to come out of his shell. He’s talking more and more to people, carrying on involved conversations. He’s so funny and getting so big. And the nursing – you know what? Nursing until your child is almost three years old is a hell of an achievement. That takes time, love, dedication and I’m proud of myself for going this far. And he’s a GOOD kid, he’s engaging, fun, and I’m really, really proud of the boy he’s becoming.

3. Marc loves me. I never doubt that. And he comes home every night, you know, when he’s not at the gym, and I never, never doubt that his first priority is always us. Hearts and flowers are lovely, but steadfastness, loyalty, and a sense of having a partner for it all are more important.

4. I’m really, really healthy. No health problems, and I’m probably just all hormonal.

Okay – I’m feeling better. This time, really. I’m smiling and I’ve got a bright, beautiful day ahead of me. I can decide to be miserable or happy (isn’t that what I’m always coaching Jess??) and I’m choosing sunshiney delight over misery or status quo. I’m a happy girl. Dammit. And life is pretty good for me. I just need to remember that sometimes.

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