There are days when the world wants too much from me. When motherhood demands more than I have to give, and all I can do it toddle along, hoping I’m not dropping too many things.
Jessie is sixteen, in the throes of college prep and agonies over sophomore year. Too many classes, too much homework, too many commitments and too much angst. I know that she needs perspective, I know that she needs to step back, recognize her choices and the consequences, and be okay with those decisions, but part of her likes the stress – and so she continues to put herself in this place, because the stress is part of the process for her. She can’t see it, and the stress is real and huge and overwhelming and all I can do is try and say the right thing and hope that she doesn’t melt down entirely.
Sam, oh my Sammy. The IEP process is brutal, unbelievably draining and exhausting and the worst reality that I’m facing is that in order to get what I need for him, I need to relive the worst moments of my life, of his life, over and over again. Because when I get vulnerable, when I break down and sob, when I force them to see this child in front of them and what he’s been thru and why I need what I need for him – that’s when I get results. But it’s awful and horrible and draining and I’m worn out. And all of that is happening before I tackle on dealing with a kid who’s struggling to learn a completely new way of reading and writing.
Julie, my Julie. She’s the only one who hasn’t demanded too much of me today – and of course, all that means is that I’m feeling guilty because she hasn’t had enough of me. Did I pay enough attention, did I make her feel left out and lost?
I’m worn out today. It’s all been way too much, too much emotion, not enough time or energy or answers. Too much laundry, too many dishes, too much of not being able to get it all done.
Tomorrow will be better. I hope.