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Aug 11

Ever closer

I’ve been thinking of a letter that I should write for Jessie when she goes off to college. And while I will do it, it occurs to me that I need to work through some things first. Because it should be about her, and right now, I keep making it about me. When I think about what I want to tell her, I think about where I was emotionally when she was conceived, how I rebuilt myself while I was carrying her. How giving birth to her was like giving birth to me in some ways.

I was shattered after my miscarriage. It just destroyed everything about me. Everything I believed had failed me. The entire foundation of who I was had crumbled when I suddenly got pregnant, and then lost the babies. Not the getting pregnant part. That was shocking, but such a blessing. I was so grateful, so delighted and thrilled and amazed by the miracle of pregnancy. But losing them? One at a time? The idea that I couldn’t save them – that I had been given this incredibly gift, and lost it because of my own inability to stop it… it was the hardest thing I had ever been thru.

Each of my kids came into my life and brought something different. Sam was my second baby, and he needed me so much. He taught me to advocate. He makes me stronger, because I have to be. He needed me so much, and even though he’s 15 and ready for independence – he still relies on me to validate, to support. His accident divided time for me – and so much of who I am now is because of that experience. Julianna is my child of contentment. She’s perfect – she came into my life when I wasn’t looking to rebuild anything. She’s my reward. Not that she has to be perfect, because she’s complicated and tricky and funny and sweet and I can’t imagine not having her.

But my Jessie? My Jessie is my foundation. I rebuilt myself as her mother. Being her mother impacted every relationship, every choice, everything about my life. And there’s more to me than just being her mom, I’m Sam’s mom, Julie’s mom, Lilli and Sarah’s stepmom, Marc’s wife. I’m a daughter, a friend, a sister. I read and write, I have more to my life than just her.

But there’s no denying that Jessie is my foundation.

Two weeks and two partial weeks left.

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