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Aug 03

Will I always feel like this?

Julie is spending the night at my sister’s house, with her cousin Aria. Which is lovely and fun, and I’m happy she’s out and about, spending time doing something she likes.

BUT – it feels… off. I don’t feel right when one of my kids is not here. I mean, it’s fine, I’m not worried about her, she’s having fun and I’m happy she’s there – but it feels… not right. Like I’m missing someone. It’s low-grade, it’s not debilitating or anything – but I miss her. I wouldn’t want to live like this – without her.

Then it occurred to me that in three full weeks and two partial weeks, I am going to be living like this. Will I adjust to Jessie being gone all the time? Will it be normal for me to only have two kids here? Every night? How does that feel normal?

So, I’m trying to adapt my thought process. Obviously, this will be my new normal. What I’m struggling with is the idea that I’m going to be missing her, every day, all the time, and it’ll be this low-level of desperation and uneasiness for the rest of my life. And it’ll gradually get worse and worse, as they leave. Because they’ll leave. Sam will go, and then Julie – and will I ever be as happy, as content, as I am right now?

How do I do this?

The mantra I’m going with is that it’d feel so much worse if they couldn’t go. If we couldn’t afford for Jessie to go to college, or if she was too sick to go. Thank God she’s able to go to college, that we can afford it, that she’s worked so hard for so long to do this. It’d be worse, if she couldn’t go.

But this sense of… not rightness – this is going to take a long time for me to adjust.

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