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Feb 13

Happy Valentines Day!

Six years ago today was the first day of the rest of my life. I had gotten the e-mail on a Tuesday night, and it was smart and engaging and funny. So I agreed to dinner on Thursday. Valentine’s Day. Having been thru a number of blind internet dates, I knew to keep my expectations low, and told my friends that I’d meet them for drinks afterwards. Only once I got to the restaurant, I just didn’t want to not be with him. Ever. We had dinner, then went back to his house. And he kissed me for the first time between the kitchen and the living room, mid-way thru my tour. And when I finally went home, it was like everything had changed. It was magical and wonderful and so sweet and I loved every minute of it. Falling in love was like nothing I’d ever imagined. We could talk for hours, not only was I incredibly attracted to him, but I loved being with him.

Then I realized that I was four days late. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I still remember the shock, the joy, the terror – and I admit it, the sadness that this magical relationship was going to get really complicated really fast. I was so scared to tell him, so scared to ruin this perfect little place that we were at, in terms of a relationship. I called and asked him to come to me, figuring that I’d need to be on home turf for this conversation. My friends/roommate were supportive and left me alone at home that night. And when he came in, I wanted to cry. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and blurted out “I’m pregnant.” He didn’t skip a beat, just said “thank God, I thought it was something awful.” He told me he loved me, that we’d make it work, we were having a baby!

I knew he couldn’t really love me, knew he was just barely divorced, had only known me for a few weeks. Knew he had to be mostly crazy, but that was okay. I was having a baby, and for a while that was all that mattered. We charged on ahead, I took prenatals and drank lots of water. When I started spotting, it was at Passover. I was meeting his parents for the first time, and can still remember how awful it was to see the blood. The bleeding got heavier and we went in for an ultrasound. The doctors told us that we had lost one twin, but there was still one left, to go home, be careful and pray. When he held me in the exam room, I realized for the first time that we had done this together. It was the first time that I really felt as though this was ours. And when I lost the second twin, I lost a big part of myself. Suddenly, the whole world was darker and more dangerous, and the only place I felt safe, the only place where I felt whole was with him. When he told me that we’d try again, we’d get thru it and we’d be better than okay, we’d be great – I clung to it, and to him, as though it were a liferaft.

I don’t know if I would have survived that, the loss of my first pregnancy, without him. When everything was at it’s worst, the fact that he was at my side, never wavering, never hesitating, just so completely there made everything okay. Not great, at first, but managable. And when I got pregnant again, even though everyone said we were crazy, I knew that we were doing exactly what we needed to do. Jessica’s pregnancy was rough at first, I was still grieving so much, and still learning how to be in a relationship, how to trust, how to really rely on him. But when I held that beautiful girl and saw her daddy cradle her in her arms, I fell in love all over again.

It’s been six years, and I still don’t know how I got so lucky. There’s so much that I’m so grateful for, he’s simply the smartest, kindest man I’ve ever met. He’s an amazing father, not just to my Jessie but my little Sammy – who worships at the alter of Daddy in a way that I don’t think his daughters did. He’s my first call, no matter what, the person I most want to be with, the one I trust with everything. I never imagined being this intimate with anyone, not just physically, but emotionally. I know him completely, I know he’s always scrupulously honest with me. I know that he loves me more than I ever thought possible. And I know that I’m so completely, madly, unendingly in love with him. He’s made all my dreams come true.

Happy Anniversary Marc – I love you so much more than I can ever express, and am forever grateful to a world that created you. My life is everything I always wanted it to be, and you made it that way. I can only hope to give you as much joy, satifaction and utter contentment as you’ve brought to me.

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