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Jul 10

selfish, selfish, selfish

I wish I was a better person sometimes. Well, all the time, I wish I was a better person, but sometimes it really strikes me that my life would be easier if I was less selfish, more giving. More able to put aside my own needs and focus entirely on everyone else’s.

I’m a stay at home mom with three young children. I have a very busy husband with diabetes, and when he isn’t working, he’s working out. I spend what seems like all of my time either chained to a chair in the living room nursing Julianna or scurrying around like the wind, trying desperately to clean up the house. And sometimes, like last night, for example (and most of today, if I’m being honest), it just overwhelms me and I can’t help feeling tired, touched out, worn out. Desperate for a quiet shower without anyone screaming for me. Dreaming of a full night’s sleep and waking up when I’ve slept enough. Wishing for more help, more support, more … of a lot of things. If I had more disposable income, I could hire a maid. If I had more time, I could get the house clean.

There are things about my life that are unchangable. I can’t change the fact that Marc works fifty hours a week. I can’t change the fact that he goes to the gym every other night. I can’t change the fact that the kids make an ungodly mess pretty much all the time. And I’m not blind to the fact that I sound like an ungrateful brat, because my husband is working so hard to make a nice life for our family, and keep himself healthy for us. And I know full well the heartbreak of infertility, and how many women would kill to have my problems.

All that being said… I’m a little unhappy at the moment. Since this isn’t my desired way of being, and it’s up to me to change it, what can I do to make it better? The sleep and the shower – well, I’m probably not going to get those anytime soon. I want to be there for Julianna, I have no desire to sleep train her, and so that’s a managable problem. And I’ll get a shower, she might scream bloody murder while I’m in there, but I can deal with that.

Maybe I just need to get more organized. More structured. Set up some household chores, reasonable bedtimes, and clear expectations about the weekends. This is all managable. I just have to put systems in place to handle it. I’m going to ponder this for a while… Jessica is on her way up to Maine for the week, and I’ll be following behind her on Wednesday with my cousin and the other two kids. While I’m up there, I’ll figure out some new rules, new routines. I think if I get things a little more organized, a little more structured, maybe it’ll be easier.

I’m also going to remind myself of what I’m constantly repeating to my little Jessie Bug Noodle. Happiness is a choice, and I have blessings beyond anything I ever dreamed of. A husband who cherishes me, three healthy children that I’m lucky enough to stay home and raise. I’m going to stop complaining and start being grateful for what I have 🙂

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