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Nov 28

Approaching Fifty

I’m not there yet. In fact, I’m not yet 49. But Becky has turned 50, and so, emotionally, I’ve started prepping.

I find myself thinking mortality thoughts. Getting ready to get old. Thinking about long term, my kids living without me. Not in a scary or maudlin sort of way – just in a “huh – I should start pondering this” sort of way. My mind brushes up against it and then away. Because it’s hard to think about for too long or too in-depth. But I’m getting used to thinking about it. Or thinking about thinking about it.

I’m an all the way grown up now. At 50 – that’s full on adult. That’s middle aged. I find that I’m feeling okay about it. Not approaching a mid-life crisis or anything, at least not yet. But taking stock, thinking my thoughts, figuring out what I still want to do. What do I want to change? What made me this way – and what can I still change? How am I preparing my kids for the future?

I haven’t figured it out yet, I’m not even sure how I feel about it yet. Turning 40 scared the hell out of me (and given everything that’s happened in the last ten years – I think that’s totally appropriate). But the idea of turning 50 isn’t terrifying me. I don’t know that I LIKE it, but I don’t hate it. I mean, it’s better than the alternative.

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