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Sep 16

First ultrasound

It’s just magical – and it doesn’t matter that it’s the fourth time I’ve seen it, that little heart pounding away just takes my breath away. My first OB appointment was today, and everything looks wonderful. I have a little bean shaped baby, with a little heartbeat and I’ve spent all day on the verge of tears, because it’s so incredibly amazing to me, and I’m so in love with the thought of my baby. I saw a mom walking with a five or six month old today, and started crying in the car. I’ve got names picked out, and alternately call the baby either Benjamin or Julianna, depending on my mood. I can’t wait – just for all of it. The next appointment, the first kick, the first big ultrasound, every last little bit of this pregnancy and then having this tiny baby in my arms. I’m so thrilled about it – it’s as exciting as it was every other time, but just that much better. The first pregnancy was so amazing, and when I miscarried, it was just devastating. Jessie’s pregnancy was clouded by the grief, I spent a lot of the first trimester grieving the twins, and then was so afraid of losing her – I didn’t believe until she was in my arms that it would really happen. Then with Sam – I knew how wonderful having a child was, but was so worried about how Jessie would react, would she be okay, would she feel left out and abandoned? But with this one – I’ve been down the road, so to speak. I know that the chances of carrying this baby to term are so high, especially now that I’ve seen the heartbeat, the morning sickness and nausea is so intense – I know that this is a happy, healthy baby. And I’ve seen Jess adjust to having a new baby, I know how much joy and happiness and satisfaction he brought to her, how thrilled she was to be a big sister, and how much having Sam has enriched her life. So I’m much more confident about Sam’s reaction to a new little one. Plus, this is probably my last baby. I don’t think we’ll do this again – so everything is that much sweeter because of it.

I’m so happy – just so incredibly blessed and amazed and delighted.

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