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Apr 21

Grumpy today

No real reason, I think I’m just frustrated with the waiting. And being frustrated doesn’t get me anywhere, so you’d think I’d move past it and into sunshiney happiness, but so far, nope – I’m grumpy and embracing it. I’m having a second cup of coffee, which I never do, but I’m operating on the theory that maybe I need a little extra chemical assistance today, and I’m so far along that an extra dose of caffiene won’t hurt the baby.

I’ve always gone into my labors thinking that I want to wait as long as I can to get the epidural – but with this one, if I could get hooked up now, I would. The thought of having no feeling from the waist down sounds delightful to me. I’m all about sciatic pain, lower back pain, contractions pretty constantly, and I’m so wishing that I could be me again. I’m not an overly physical person on a good day, I’ve never even been close to what you’d consider an athlete – but I’m generally in pretty good health, able to jump up and walk. I miss that. I miss not being able to get up without thinking about it first and weighing whether or not it’s worth the effort.

There are parts of being pregnant that I’ll miss. I’ll miss the belly, strangely enough. I’ll miss this closeness with the baby, this sense that we’re almost one person, that I’m creating a whole new life inside of me. I’ll miss the doctor’s appts, hearing the heartbeat, and taking extra good care of my body because it’s like taking care of my child. I’ll miss Sammy kissing my belly and giving me a hug, and then an extra hug for the baby. I’ll miss Jessie feeling the baby kick.

It’s gorgeous out today – and if I didn’t feel like any sort of activity will start up meaningless contractions that won’t put me into labor, then I’d be inclined to head outside for a nice long walk. I’m going to talk to Cindy today, my appt is at 11:30, and see what she thinks. Maybe I’m at the point where the contractions will actually do something. It was at this appt with Sam that my water broke, so I’m hoping history repeats itself.

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