Melissa Anne Cohen

I’m sunshiney happy today (yes, I’ve had my requisite two cups of coffee this morning). Sam’s off, something’s not right there, he was up A LOT last night, and slept in until around 8:30 this morning. He left eye was really puffy last night as well, which is odd, but seems to have gone down during the night. He’s okay now, but woke up clingy and unhappy. I’m blaming teeth. I love to blame teeth – it works from the time they’re three or four months until they’re you know… three. Do you get three year molars? Contrasting to Jessie who woke up at 1:00 this morning, or at least that’s what she told me when she danced into my bedroom, all dressed in a dark skirt that’s kind of too small, and a pink and green t-shirt that says Princess with Irish clovers on it. She wore it to school with light blue Barbie socks, white and coral sneakers and an orange hoodie. But she was so proud of herself for getting up, picking out her own clothes, making he bed and brushing her hair that I had to just let her go and hope her teacher understands that sometimes kidnergartener pick out their own clothes 😉

Got my confirmation date yesterday – and am wicked nervous about it. I’ve been talking about doing it for about three years now, and reading and learning about Judaism for over seven, so it’s been a long time coming. So long, I think it’s okay that I sort of thought it would never actually happen. Similiar to being nine months pregnant and then being overdue – you just think you’ll live the rest of your life pregnant, and then you have that first contraction – and even though you knew intellectually that it was always going to end this way – you’re still freaked out because it’s really happening.

Apparently that a huge insult in toddlerland. Sam was complaining about Jessie, she had the audacity to ask for the last hot dog before he did, resulting in an unimaginably difficult two minutes that he had to WAIT while I bubbled up one more (poor Marc gets only two hot dogs tonight). Luckily, Jess was so amused that she was being called a chipmunk that she just laughed at him, and Sam forgot he was furious at her and laughed too 🙂 Some nights, it’s just really fun to have two kids 🙂

It’s a different topic than being a stepparent. Because being a second wife is all about your relationship to a woman who used to call your husband hers. And it’s a completely surreal experience – it bears no relationship to anything I’ve ever done before, and it’s one of the hardest things I do. I’m exceptionally happy in my marriage. Marc is perfect for me. He’s brilliant in all the ways that I really respect and admire, he’s much, much nicer than I am, his first instinct is always to do the kindest thing. He’s patient and calm where I’m impatient and emotional, he’s relies on me to be exactly who I am. He values most the things I like best about myself.

But he used to be married to someone else. He used to share a life, a bed, a home, with someone else. He still shares children with someone else. And that’s just… hard. Because she’s still here. She still yells at him like a wife. She still gets to determine all sorts of things about his life, and as a direct consequence of that, she gets to determine stuff about my life. About my kids’ lives. She’s still at family functions, she’s a factor in almost every huge decision we make. Where we live, how we spend our vacations and weekends, etc.

When you are with a guy, you know he’s dated before. You know he’s probably even been in love before. You almost certainly know that he’s had sex before. But in most cases, these women are in the past – you don’t confront them all the time. You aren’t barraged with evidence of their love and life together. And after more than seven years together, I’m still baffled and confused about how to handle that.

I think we have a cordial relationship. I spend almost as much time with her children as she does, after all. She has to not hate me, just because otherwise it would be utterly intolerable for her. So we’re polite, warm, even. At times. We married the same man – in theory, we’d have a lot in common, wouldn’t you think? In reality, I feel as though we couldn’t be more different. She’s organized, structured, very focused on what’s proper and appropriate. She puts a much higher priority on cleaniliness than I do. I think dirt is okay and even desirable when you’re a kid. I think a grubby child is a sign that the kid played hard, had a blast, and will sleep well tonight. She thinks a grubby child is a sign of neglect. I think. I don’t really know her that well at all. She’s ten years older than I am – I feel a lot of times like she’s the grown up and I’m the teenage babysitter. Or at least I think she thinks that.

I stay as far as away from my husband’s relationship with her as possible. He makes plans with her re: the girls. Even though it makes things a lot more complicated, he’s much more prone to let her make the decisions and tell me after the fact, I don’t want to get in the middle of it. The child support is handled thru the state, and comes out of his paycheck before either of us see it. Which makes it a lot easier on a day to day basis. The custody agreement gives Marc unlimited visitation, so we see the girls as often as possible. Marc’s always been adamant about keeping his relationship with her as calm and conflict-free as possible, because that’s what’s best for the girls, so on the surface, at least, everything is lovely.

But underneath it all, I’m pretty sure she’d much rather I be on the other side of the earth. And I know that underneath it all, I’d much rather pretend that she lived in China as well.

Just got back from Jessie’s Race For Education. It was her school’s big fundraiser this year, they sent out letters to everyone we knew (we had to provide the addresses), asking that people sponsor the kids. But it was odd, somewhat like the Relay for Life in that the actual fundraising is all done ahead of time, and all that’s left is to trek around a football field several times. The money was already pledged and paid, there was no incentive to actually walk at all.

Had a rough time of it at the very end, Jess was thirsty and her class was lining up, she went to get some water and some psycho parent told her that she wasn’t allowed any more water and that she had to line up. Jessie is one of those kids who’s exceptionally well behaved, always, always listens to adults (as long as they aren’t her parents :-). But she’d never dream of deliberately disobeying another adult. I was gathering up my bag and my Sam, and I had two cups of water that I had poured before I went walking with the kids.

She came over to me crying and said she couldn’t have any water and had to go line up with her class. I tried to give her my cup of water, but she was really upset, said that someone said it wasn’t allowed. I had to literally get down on her level, look her straight in the eyes and tell her that I was her parent and in charge of her, and it was okay to drink the water I was giving her. It’s wicked hard to be a kid, I think, sometimes. You have no real control over anything, and everyone tells you what to do. She drank the little cup of water and I walked her over to her teacher and it ended up okay, but I felt really bad for her for a few minutes there. Sammy fell and scraped his hand up as well, so all in all, not a really successful venture for the Cohen Clan.

Last night, I went to bed early, and took my book to read. I also had a granola bar and a glass of milk. Sam and Marc were on the computer watching Superfriends cartoons on Youtube. Eventually Sam came in and noticed that I had just finished my granola bar, and went back out to ask Marc to get him some “milk for myself” and a “granowa bar.” Then he comes toddling back into the bedroom, carefully arranges his milk and granola bar on top of the dresser and then crawled up into bed and asked me to hand him his stuff. I pointed out that I couldn’t reach it, and we set up a little table from his stepping stool and moved his snack right next to the bed. So he crawled back up into bed and announced he was ready to nurse. I told him that he had his snack to eat first, but he looked up at all, all big brown eyes and gorgeous smile, and said blissfully “Ooobies first, snack later.” Then he nursed to sleep. So cute.

I’ve got Jordyn, the cutie I babysit for, over for the day, and Harrison, the other cutie I watch is home sick. Jordyn and Sam were standing in the living room, and Sam had my keys. He is fascinated with my keys, and “tending to drive.” He picks up the keys, announced loudly “I go to work” and looks expectantly at Jordyn, who’s very busy chewing on her finger. When she didn’t immediately jump up, he said it again louder. “I GO TO WORK!” and again, Jordyn didn’t respond. Finally, he glares at me and says, all indignant and offended “Mama, her not kiss me!” Which I think is adorable, and says good things about the type of relationship that Marc and I are modeling for him 🙂

Well, except for the excruiating sinus infection. But once the drugs kicked in (azithromycin plus sudafed), I was much, much better. Saturday, we had Lilli, Sarah, Glennys, plus my two for the day. Marc took the three older girls to Hebrew School and I kept the other two home here. Then we had all five of them in the afternoon, and it was delightful. We went down the street to Cricket Park (which is really Elm Park Community School, with a big football field outback, lots of asphalt for drawing with chalk and riding bikes) and spent a couple of hours just hanging out. The girls colored this elaborate art museum, with paths thru the pictures that you could walk along and admire their drawings. Marc and Sam made up a new game (there’s nothing better than naming an activity – my kids play Chicken Feet (standing up on Daddy while he’s lying in bed and then tumbling off) and Sudafed (I’m not entirely sure what this is – I think it’s just jumping on Sam’s bed into each other and screaming “SUDAFED” as loud as they can). The new game is called “Super Cool Kick” and basically just involved Sam and Marc running and kicking a soccer ball up and down the field.

Saturday night, I had Marc drop the girls off early at home, and then Annie watched Jess and Sam while we went out to dinner and then we rode the Ferris Wheel at the carnival down at the Greendale Mall. Ferris Wheels terrify me, and I adore them. Since normally when we go to a carnival or amusement park, we’ve got lots of kids with us, I always have to go with cherubs and pretend not to be terrified so they, in turn, don’t panic and try to jump out. With no children there, I was free to be as girly as I wanted to be and cuddled up next to him and hid my face when we got too high. It was perfect.

Today – what did we do??? Oh yeah, big Cohen family party for Marc’s aunt at the Tower Hill Botanical Gardens. It was very nice, although I was chagrined to realize again that I have the most antisocial children in the place. At one point, Sam literally pushed his nose against mine and just held it there to make sure that people would stop trying to make eye contact with him. Jessie made Marc hold her and refused to talk to anyone who spoke to her. After the first hour or so, they loosened up, Jessie got her face painted and Sam started running all over the place. I got some great pictures of all four kids. They normally break up into two groups, and we, of course, named them. Jessie and Lilli have formed Team Pretty Pretty Princesses, and Sam and Sarah are Team Bum Bum. For some reason, Sam’s fascinated with the phrase “bum bum”, don’t know why, but I’ve stopped fighting it.

Then Sarah went home with her mom, and Marc and I took the three other kids down to my mother’s house for the afternoon. The kids played outside all afternoon, my brother came over with his three kids and my sister’s daughter, and it was just a great day. Weather was perfect, Sam napped on the couch and it was just one of those afternoons when it’s perfect to hang out on the porch and talk.

Marc and Sam are in the living room, watching Animal Planet, or something like that. Marc has turned off the light and I’m avoiding going in there, in the hopes that Sam will fall asleep on his lap.

I’ve got a sinus infection and an ear infection. And I’ve got my period. Which is notable only because I was five days late. And I, of course, assumed I was pregnant. I’m aware of the fact that I think I’m pregnant every month, but this time, I was really convinced of it. Marc brought home a pregnancy test last night, and I woke up at four o’clock this morning… and it was negative. And even though I had been panicking – even though I really, really, really want for my cousin Becky to get pregnant first and was horrified at the thought of telling her that I was having a baby right after her miscarriage, even though I was freaking about Sam still nursing and how would I deal with that – even though, even though, even though – I was still disappointed to have the test be negative.

My face and head hurt so much right now, I’d cry, but that would only make it hurt more. I’m missing the Relay for Life in Maynard and feel guilty about that as well (adding guilt to in pain, hormonal, and crampy, in case any one was keeping track of crappy moods I’m dealing with here), but really couldn’t face the thought of sleeping out in the rain with a screaming Sam. My mother in law took Jess out to the movies and for dinner, and Sam’s happily watching Backyardigans.

I wish today was over and it was tomorrow, and the antibiotics had kicked in and I felt like me again.

Why this didn’t occur to me, I don’t know. But Sam very quickly caught on that I’d only nurse when he’s ready for a nap, so he now claims to be tired. All the time. And he’s stepped up the night nursing as well – although that might have something to do with the cold that we’re both fighting. I’ve actually given up fighting it, I’ve just got it. I can’t remember the last time I had something that just hung on for this long – never bad enough for me to really be miserable, just enough so that I’ve felt slightly sick for about two weeks.

I really feel somewhat stuck with the nursing. I refuse as much as I can, but there are times when he just wants to nurse so badly that I can’t say no. To flat out shut him off cold turkey would defeat the purpose of nursing on demand for the past three years. I’ll just keep hoping that he’ll wean himself, I guess. But I’d like to get pregnant sometime soon, and really hate the thought of tandem nursing. More than that, I hate the thought of having Sam try to adjust to sharing nursing with a new sibling. I think that’d be really difficult for him.

Quiet, rainy afternoon here, and I’m just puttering about. Jess is at dance class and Sam’s got a bunch of plastic spoons, a ton of my utensils from the kitchen and my big spagetti pot and is very busy making pretend soup. I have dishes to do, and laundry to fold, and Jessie’s bedroom to clean (I let the kids play in there earlier and have to clean it up before she gets home or deal with the wrath) but have little to no enthusiasm. I might just spend the rest of the afternoon loafing on the computer instead :-).

We had a fantabulous weekend. I had my niece here since Friday afternoon, and it’s been delightful. She’s eight, and fits in perfectly with my three girls and Sam’s so used to having a crowd of adoring females around him, he gets along with her as well. Friday night, I babysat for Harrison and Julia, plus had my two, and Alyssa. Saturday morning, we picked up my stepdaughters and kept them until Sunday night. And we just had one of those perfect weekends, where everything gelled and everyone was fun and cheery and got along well. The kids spent the entire time outside, running around and playing like lunatics – requiring a hard core scrub down each night.

I like having a lot of kids around. I just do – I like the chaos of it, I like the energy and the enthusiasm, I like the way my children are growing up as part of a bigger whole. I like feeling like I’m the matriarch of this huge group. We took them all down to the park on Saturday and Sunday, we hit the GreenHill Park and the Ecotarium. This is what I always wanted. A husband I loved, we worked together perfectly all weekend, and the kids are all beautiful, brilliant and healthy. I really am so incredibly blessed to be living this life.