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May 15

Sad, just so sad

One of my best friends in the whole wide world just found out she’s miscarrying. And I’m so sad for her. I’ve been frantic ever since she told me that she was spotting two days ago.

I miscarried a twin pregnancy before Jess. At precisely the same time that she’s miscarrying now. And there’s never been anything in my world that hurt that badly. There are still times, almost seven years after the fact, when I still tear up listening to a certain song, or thinking about what my twins would have been like. I remember just the overwhelming sorrow and weight of grief… it changed the way I look at the world, the way I look at everything. I felt so vulnerable, so lost. I had bonded so immediately to that pregnancy, that was my baby, and I wanted it more than anything. And losing it… I still don’t have words to describe what that was. I lost a big part of who I was, the way I looked at the universe and my place in it, I lost my belief in a benevolent God, I lost my sense of control over my life.

I have two gorgeous children, and they’re smart and funny and tender and kind and I love them more than I can possibly express. I have a husband I love and cherish, and if we hadn’t gone thru that loss together, I don’t know that we would have lasted. We probably would have, but I can’t say for sure. He lost my babies with me, and I’ve never forgotten how much I needed his strength and consistency at that time. I have a whole life that would have been different – and I love where I am, I love being a mom to these children I have, I love dreaming about the children I have yet to have. But I still mourn for my babies. I mourn for the girl I used to be, the mother I would have been, before I learned how fragile everything was, before I learned how little I can control the world around me. And today, I mourn for the niece or nephew that would have been, and for how one of my favorite people in the world is learning the lessons I wished I hadn’t.

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