Mama, if you had to decide right now, would you have another baby?

Jessie wants a baby.  Bad.

Every couple of days, at least once a week, my girl comes to me with some version of the question above.   Do you think someday, you might have another baby?  And each time, I want to shake her, just a little, and point out that I’ve been trying to read Anne of Green Gables to her for the past few months and we’re still on chapter four.  I want to show her the books piled up on the living room couch that never get put away because Mama’s just too tired to fight that battle, the piles of outgrown toys that used to be neatly organized but are now just heaped up in a corner, bins on top of other bins, and crowned with a doll house.

I have a million other reasons why I’m not having another baby (finances, lack of a second car, lack of a first car that’s big enough for another car seat, inability to pay enough attention to each kid now, miserable memories of a really tough pregnancy with Julianna, etc), but I can’t quite bring myself to completely squash her hopes.  “Maybe someday, not right now, and maybe not ever.”  That’s the response I’m sticking with.  Maybe someday.

Maybe I’ll do it again – feel that first stirring of nausea, and another nine months of building a baby.  Nothing brings a family together like pregnancy (I still have vivid memories of Sam, Marc, and Jessie all huddled around me, rubbing my back and trying to hug me while I vomited, day after day, with Julie).  It was hard, really hard being pregnant, and I was really close to preeclampsia and I was so ridiculously, painfully, tearfully itchy… I’m not sure I want to sign up for that again.  I remember thinking that even if I wanted to, I couldn’t put my kids thru another nine months of having me be so compromised.

But a baby… I love a baby.  And I look at Jessica now, almost eleven years old, and so beautiful and smart.  My Sammy boy, seven years old and so big and grown up -and my Julie, my baby Julie, and she’s so funny and sweet and absolutely adorable – why wouldn’t I want to do that again?  If I had missed on a single one of them – God, I can’t even begin to describe how much richer and blessed and perfect my life has become with each one.  How much I’ve learned, how much they’ve added.

But for right now – I’m going to keep in mind those million reasons – the finances, the lack of a second car, the lack of a first car that can fit another car seat, etc.  I’m going to remember that I’m not quite yet forty – there still is time, if I really wanted to.  Eventually, the choice will be taken from me, and if it doesn’t happen, I’m okay with that.  I have Jessie, I have Sam and I have Julie.

And if anyone has a baby – and is looking for a mother’s helper or babysitter, please, please, call Jessie.  She’s ready and available.