Melissa Anne Cohen

I found a new bread recipe, and Sam and I mixed up the dough this morning, it’s rising at this very moment. Jordyn and Sam are playing together in the other room, seem to be liking each other for the moment. These two have been together since Jordyn was ten weeks old, and they are like a little old married couple, alternately hating and loving each other.

All is well in my world today – kids are happy and relatively healthy. Sam is coming down with a slight cold, I suspect, he was congested this morning, but seems fine now. I just spent the past three hours cleaning – and am happy to report that the house is not spotless, but clean enough for my standards. Admittedly, those are low, but the laundry and dishes are done, beds made, floors vacuumed, and kids fed. Now for naptime 🙂

Had an interesting couple of days – with major fights with my mother and my sister. There’s a sense, among various family members, that I am unhappy or stifled or living my life for my kids and my husband. It was really disconcerting, trying to argue that you are in fact happy, and can’t quite figure out why everyone thinks I’m not. I literally had to check with people – do you think I’m happy? Because the arguments that I wasn’t, that I was just PRETENDING to be happy, were so vehement.

But if nothing else, I did a lot of introspective thought, and have come to the conclusion that I am happy. Yes, there are conflicts in my life, I have issues with my husband and time he spends at the gym, sometimes dealing with my husband’s ex makes me insane, and there’s the usual stress of having two children under six… but I’m still happier than I’ve ever been (and that’s saying a lot, because I have had a pretty exceptional life, in terms of happiness). I’m in love with my husband, confident and secure in my marriage, I LOVE being a SAHM, I love spending all day with my kids, listening to them talk, teaching them about the world, baking cookies and folding their clothes. I really like the concept of building a family and feel as though this is what I’m meant to do. This, right here, this is what I love… Jessie, with her curls falling out of a braid, and serious brown eyes, working on her homework, Sam, with his dimples and earnest little soul, playing with his working guys, soup bubbling on the stove… how could anyone possibly think I’m unhappy?

Okay, okay, I get it, you shouldn’t be giving a two year old his own cup of coffee. BUT in my defense, it made him stop screaming and crying (literally sobbing, repeating over and over – “please mama, please, me have oobies now, please!”).

I love Tuesdays. Still. There’s nothing special about today, but it’s a very peaceful, relaxed sort of day. Lots of laundry and cleaning, as per usual, and it’s cold and yucky outside. I miss spring, and bouncing out and over to the park, stopping for a bagel to feed to the ducks, pushing the boys on the swings and checking out the squirrels. Warm weather will come again, won’t it?

Jessie had her very first big girl sleepover last night. She’s been sleeping over people’s houses since she was about a year old, although it’s always been either my sister Mandi, my cousin Becky, my friend Annie’s, or my mother’s. Once, she slept at Marc’s parent’s house. But last night was a big girl sleepover at her friend Julia’s house. I didn’t think she’d do it. I packed her bag, knowing that she’d be coming home with me. But she didn’t. She stayed… and it was significantly more of an issue for me than it was for her. We got the phone call around nine thirty to come and get her, and Marc (who earned SO MANY GOOD DADDY POINTS last night) drove across Worcester in snow storm to get her, only to hear “Daddy, I changed my mind, I don’t want to go home.” So he came back home, and I heard him come up the stairs, and got ready to pull my tired girl into bed with me, grateful to have her home… only to hear that she was staying.

It really, really does go so quickly. When I look at her, I still see an infant, most of the time. Or my toddler girl… and suddenly, she’s got this whole life of her own, and while I think I’m doing a fairly good job of letting her go, it’s SO hard. I want to keep her with me, my tiny little angel girl, and she’s so big… I’m so not ready to have her grow up.

I’m already dreading my goal of heading out every damn day. It’s wicked cold out there… and quite honestly, I’m not in the mood to trek out into the wild blue yonder. But trek I shall, because it’s good for me and good for Sam.

Had another fight with Marc last night over time spent at the gym. It’s so frustrating to me – and I can’t get him to understand that. I feel like we’re constantly at odds when it comes to this issue, and to a certain sense, I’ve come to terms with that. We’re just never going to agree on it. He’s forever going to think that he’s not spending enough time working out, and I’m always going to think that he’s not spending enough time at home.

But there’s another level to it now – and it’s starting to bug me. I’m feeling like I’m the only parent. The only hum-drum, every day, go to bed, here’s your breakfast, let me pack your lunch, stop bugging your sister, if you whine one more time, you’re going to bed parent. Marc’s the fun one. The sit on the carpet, come let me cuddle you, play fight on the bed parent.

To a certain extent, it’s just a function of having one stay at home parent and one full time working parent. But the amount of time that Marc has been spending at the gym has added to it – because his time is so limited, I can understand him wanting to make his time with the kids fun for them, but by doing that, I feel like I’m shouldering 100% of the unfun parts of parenting.

I just want him more involved. I’d like him to tell Jess to set the table once in a while – but he’s never here for dinner anymore. I’d like him to change a diaper, assume responsibility for baths, read the bedtime stories once in a while. Not all the time. I mean, of course, it’s my job to do the majority of the household stuff – we ironed out cleaning responsibilities a long time ago, and I’m not complaining about that. But this is childcare that I’m talking about – and I’m tired of being alone. I’m just lonely… I didn’t want to do this by myself. I want a buddy, another adult, someone else to break up the fights, kiss the booboos, get the drinks. Not all the time, but not just one night a week either. The weekends are so crazy with all four kids here, and it feels more like just crowd control most of the time, not parenting, it’s during the week that I miss him and want him here with me. I’d like for him to want to be here. The kids go to bed, and I’m sitting here by myself, and I’m wondering why it doesn’t feel like my husband actually wants to spend time with me. I was just reading a blog about someone’s daily schedule, and she was writing about how she and her husband split up nighttime chores, she makes dinner, cleans it up, he gives the kids a bath, plays with them, then they put them to bed, and then have some time alone. They read, watch television, have some sort of nighttime treat, hot cocoa or tea… and it sounded so very lovely. I don’t know why I can’t have that. I can make my own cocoa, and read and watch television solo – but it’s not the same.

It’s not just about the kids missing out on time with Marc, it’s about me. And I didn’t realize that until right now.

I’m just NEVER GOING TO SIT DOWN AGAIN. I’ve got to start the weaning process – it’s making me nuts. Sam is just nursing, nursing, nursing, 24/7. Every single time I sit down somewhere in the living room or at the dining room table, he runs over and tries to get me to nurse him. In fact, he just noticed that I’m sitting here and came and stood at my leg for a few minutes, hoping. My goal is to get him down to just before nap and bed, and also to put him back in his own bed. I think he’ll sleep thru the night if I’m not there to nurse him.

Other resolutions for the year…

1 – To get outside, at least for a bit, every single day. I manage this really well in the spring, summer and fall – but go inside once the leaves change and don’t emerge until the temp reaches above fifty. This isn’t exactly accurate, but close. So (starting tomorrow ;-), I’m going to go outside, at least for a bit every day. This will be a good exercise for Sam as well – he’s an outside boy, left to his own devices, so this will be encouraging him in his natural tendencies.

2 – Continuing on a resolution from last year (that I met, pretty consistently) – if one of the kids asks me to sit down and read to them, I do it. Immediately, or as soon as possible thereafter. There’s really nothing I’m doing that can’t afford to wait until I finish reading. If my goal is to raise kids that read as much as I do, then I have to encourage the habit now.

3 – Smile more often – even when I’m not in the mood. Especially when I’m not in the mood. When I’m upset, everything is off, the kids are fussy and clingy and unhappy, and it isn’t good for Marc and I either. I’m the stay at home mom – my mood affects everyone else.

4 – And continuing on that theme – not let myself get as affected by Jessica’s moods. When she’s upset, I’m going to make every effort to maintain some distance from it. She needs help learning control, and I don’t do her any favors by indulging in a huge screaming battle with her, just because it’s what she wants to do. By me staying calm and unaffected by it, then she’ll maybe take the cue and calm down herself.

I’ve got cabin fever, I think. I’m sick of being inside, sick of going outside only to rush back into someplace warm. I don’t like winter. The only perk is my birthday – I like cake 🙂

Kids have been good today. That’s not entirely true, Sam has been a disaster. He’s taken to nursing, or demanding to nurse, or begging to nurse, every single time I sit down in the living room. He’s almost two and a half. I’m really done with it – but feel as though I’m sort of stuck. It makes him so happy, and fixes everything and to be honest, makes my life so much simpler – to just refuse to do it would be really difficult. More difficult that continuing to nurse him? I don’t know… it’s not as easy to decide one way or another…

I do, I do! I started them on Saturday and I’m mostly done with Book 4. These are FABULOUS.

As I’m sitting here thinking back on 2008 – I’m glad we’ve moved on. In so many ways, it was a great year – but it was one of the hardest ones, financially, that we’ve had in a long time. So I’m optimistic that 2009 will that much better for us. Here’s a list of my favorite parts of 2008

1 – Bertucci’s birthday trip. Marc, Jess, Sam and I all went out to dinner and spent a couple of hours window shopping at the mall to celebrate my birthday. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but it was one of the best nights of the year. We bought foam swords that are still among Sam’s favorite toys, got Jessie the first in a long succession of headbands for her pretty curls, and Marc bought my pretty necklace/ring combo. Also Beck and Greg were there, and that always makes it better.

2 – Sam started talking. A lot. A whole new aspect of his personality opened up, and I’m delighted by it. His mind is fascinating, the way he processes info is just so awesome, so funny and oh-my-God brilliant, I love it.

3 – Jessie started school. Big girl school, for the very first time. And grew up in ways that I’m still struggling to catch up with. She’s doing so well, exceeding all my expectations, I’m so incredibly proud of the person she’s becoming. Not just academically, although that’s great, but socially. I love watching it.

4 – Marc and I are as strong today as we were in the beginning. Stronger. I still love him, he still turns me on, and now there’s the added bonus of longevity and consistency. I can’t imagine doign this without him.