Melissa Anne Cohen

Sammy on the “motorcycle.” His favorite part of vacation 🙂
Jessica and her camping buddy Jolene going on tour to see the island.

Got back last night around 10:30. We go up camping every year to a little campground on the ocean in Maine. My mother LOVES it up there, she looks forward to it every year, and my sister is following in her footsteps – they both come prepared with everything you could possibly need, and seem to thrive on it. I camp reluctantly – I love the ocean and I love the unstructured time, the hours spent on the beach, the way Jess just lights up when she’s there. But the bugs – and the dirt, and the rain – yes, I freely admit it, I am a total wuss when it comes to camping. My stepsister lives about twenty minutes from her house, and this year, we slept at her house. PERFECT – all the joys of camping, long days at the beach, time spent with family – but a real shower, a bedroom with real walls and an actual mattress with sheets on it to sleep on.

The weather was blissful on Monday morning, bright, hot, sunshiney beautiful, and Jess immediately found her camping buddy (a little girl her age from Vermont who coincidentally is up there every year at the same time). The girls had a blast, my brother was up there as well, with his three kids, as well as my sister and her daughter. Everyone had bikes, and it was just a perfect kind of day. Yesterday was cold and rainy and yucky. I left Jess on island with her buddy and my brother, and my mother, cousin, sister-in-law and Sam went into Bath to bop around, have lunch and just hang out. We got back to the campground, and it was just gross weather. My cousin came up – he’s got three girls, the oldest is Sam’s age, and he’s got twin nine month old girls, so we played with the babies for a while, but when they left, I looked at Becky and asked if she felt like driving home that night. We changed the kids, packed them in the car with snacks and they fell asleep almost immediately, slept the entire three hour trip home and stayed asleep once we got here. It was perfect 🙂

For me, the best part of the trip was the drive back. Both kids were asleep and my cousin Becky and I talked the entire time. Grown up talk, about marriages and relationships and memories and life – there’s literally nobody else in the world who knows me the way that she does and gets where I’ve come from, where I am now, and where I’m going. One of the things that my life is definitely missing is grown up girl time – I love an awful lot about my life, wouldn’t trade Marc and the kids for anything – but I miss my girl time. So it was especially nice to have that uninterrupted time to talk with my favorite cousin 🙂

Marc came home from work early yesterday, and from the moment he came home, Sam was GLUED to his side. They ate dinner together, they watched Thundar the Barbarian on the computer, they read stories, they acted out Thundar the Barbarian on my bed, they watched more Thundar, he let Marc change him not once, but TWICE (Sam normally hates having Marc change him). It was awesome. Jess and I had lots of quiet cuddle time, I read three stories to her, one of them (about Elizabeth Cady Stanton and the right to vote) I read twice because she was so interested in it.

In case anyone was interested.

Very groggy this morning – both kids ended up in bed with me last night. Marc has been sleeping in Sam’s bed because he’s got this nasty cold thing going on, and both of the cherubs were up a lot. Every now and again, Marc’s boss decides to have a meeting at the crack of dawn, just to make my life difficult (although he calls it the 8 am sales meeting), so this morning, I had to pry first myself up and get dressed, choke down some coffee, haul Jess up, get her dressed and shove some breakfast at her, and then get Sam dressed (every change a diaper on a sleeping boy? Immediate erection once the air hits the penis) and out the door. Did I mention that it’s raining? A lot? Thunder and lighting, buckets of rain just pouring down on us…

But now I’m home, everyone is either at work, at camp, or settled down in front of Lazy Town with cheerios, and I’m starting to feel a sense of optimism and cheeriness. Yes, the coffee is starting to kick in ;-). I like Thursdays – I’m making homemade pizza for lunch, and beans and hot dogs for dinner, in case anyone is thinking of stopping by ;-). I’m also going out tonight – library night. I might take Marc and kids. Tough to tell, but either way, I’m going because they’re closed tomorrow and the rest of the weekend.

On Sunday, we’re leaving for Hermit Island. I think this is the 21st year that I’ve gone. I missed a couple, one year I was nine months pregnant with Sam (and actually delivered him in the middle of the vacation week), but other than that, it’s been really consistent – and as much as I’m dreading three days with no Marc, I’m looking forward to it as well. We’re going to try and go camping around here some in August as well, I have lots of fun memories of camping as a child, and I think the kids would love it as well.

We’ve had rain every day in June. This probably isn’t literally accurate – but metaphorically, emotionally, it feels as though it’s been raining and raining and raining. And raining. And I’m cranky and miserable and just so ready for a bit of sunshine, just a little. I’d like to actually use the sunblock I bought. I’d like to go to the park, kick around a soccer ball, wander around the world instead of being trapped in my apartment.

Fought with Marc re: conversion this morning, because he said he’d feel exactly as my mother does. Confused, hurt and like a failure. This makes NO sense to me, and as it’s easier to yell at him than it is to yell at her, I yelled at him. I’d feel confused, hurt and like a failure if my kids ended up in jail. If they were mean, selfish, materialistic and lazy. If they found spiritual comfort and joy in another religion – I’d be all enthusiastic, want to learn as much as I could about it and try to participate as much as I could – because it’s not up to me to decide how they think about the world, how they perceive the Divine, how they process their own spirituality. I will raise my children as Jews, because I’ve done an exhaustive study of the religion and I think this is the best foundation for them. What they do with this information is exclusively their decision. To each her own, that’s my theory. Religion and spirituality is such a personal decision. My goal is to raise kids who question spirituality, who search for their own truth, no matter what that may be. Apparently there are some lingering issues in my mind, some anger and frustration with how difficult this whole process has been, dealing with everyone’s emotions and the weight of expectation and disappointment has been exceptionally more time consuming and emotionally stressful than I’d expected it to be.

And I’m now officially done discussing it. With anyone.

Moving on… crappy, rainy day – and what else to do in that situation but to make cookies? That’s my plan for the afternoon. Sam and Jordyn will be here and we obviously won’t be doing much of anything else 🙂

That’s a whole lot of people visiting my blog. Given that most of the time, I think the only one who reads it is my husband, I’m impressed. And even though it may just be Marc clicking on it 250 times in a row, I suspect that there are more of you out there. Could you comment every now and again? I love comments. Makes me feel all loved 🙂

In other news… Jessica had a sleepover at my mother’s house last night. Every couple of months, my mom has all of her granddaughters over. There are thirteen grandchildren, and five of the six granddaughters are all within two years of each other. Jess doesn’t really like sleepovers yet, she’s more of a homebody (anyone remember how much going to school was an adjustment? Not because she didn’t like it, she’d just rather stay home). But she was excited about going, and from what I can tell, had an unbelievably good time. Mom did mani/pedis, let them stay up ridiculously late (this is the same woman who made us go to bed at eight o’clock every night until we were in junior high :-), and then made them pancakes with whipped cream and M&Ms; for breakfast. I love that Jessie went, I love that she had a blast with my mother and my siblings’ children, and I miss, miss, miss her. Can’t wait until she comes home.

Last night, Marc was out with his friends, playing D&D;, and I was home with the kids. I kept Glennys overnight and both girls were sound asleep. Sam had napped for three and a half hours, and was just wide awake and adorable about it. He spent forty five minutes playing on the living room while I watch a West Wing rerun. All the lights were off, and he just had the light from the television and was so happy and content, it was beautiful to watch. Around ten o’clock, I was too tired to sit up with him and told him it was time for bed. I was in the bathroom and he walked by and poked his head in the door. Said to me “Mama, I go check da doors” and toddled past into the kitchen. He tried to get open the door (I had already locked it) and then diligently checked the front door as well. Marc wasn’t here to do it, and apparently Sam has been watching and paying attention to what Daddy does. And when Daddy’s not here, he just stepped up to the plate. I was so proud and so… wistful, I guess. He’s getting so big, so fast, turning into this little boy, and he’s a heartbeat away from becoming a big boy, and then a pre-teen, then a teenager and then out on his own. I could see it all at once, last night, and got a little teary-eyed, in the bathroom, brushing my teeth, at how amazing he is.

In other news… Jess has a wicked cough and was up most of the night with a slight fever and just coughing and coughing. I’m all perplexed about cough and cold meds, need to call the pediatrician and see if they have a recommendation on what to give her to help her sleep. I gave her motrin last night to help with the fever, and it seemed to help with the cough as well. She’s happy this morning, has only coughed once or twice since waking up – so it’s obviously not that bad. But I’d like to be able to give her something to help her sleep without waking up and coughing. I’ve read that honey will do the trick, but she doesn’t like taste of it.

This was the theme of my summers growing up (I hated being shoved outside, and quickly learned that offering to do the dishes or help out vacuuming would get me out of it – which is how I ended up doing the vast majority of kid chores in my household – the other three ran as fast as they could :-). I live on a dead end street, with a lot of little kids on it – and find that I really just flat out love sending my kids out to play. I don’t send Sam out, obviously, unless it’s a super nice day, the windows are open and my stepdaughters are here with him, but Jess goes outside most days and I love it. I love that she’s out there playing with kids I know vaguely, making up worlds and imagining games that belong entirely to her and not me.

I know that sounds terrible. All of my little attachment parenting voices in my head are screaming that I should be more actively involved, I should know what she’s doing and where she’s doing it. But I know she’s safe, I know she’s happy, and I know that all of it is happening to her – not to me. I believe that my job, as her parent, is to guide her to independence, to be able to be safe and secure and competent without me shielding her or protecting her all the time. And this – just saying “go play outside” and making it her responsibility to come up with a game to entertain herself, is so rewarding. She comes in all grubby from making mud cakes and she’s got tons of new friends (some of whom, I don’t think actually speak English) and she’s so happy. I’m so thrilled about how much she’s enjoying the summer so far. Two days into it 🙂

I love summer vacation. I mean, who doesn’t, right? And it’s just as much fun when it’s your kids having the break. We all slept a little later this morning, and I really do like having Jess home. I totally should have homeschooled, because I bet we both would have loved it. She’s signed up for a couple of weeks of JCC summer camp, and in two weeks, we’re going up to Maine for a couple of days with my family. But for the most part, we’re going to have a long, lazy, relaxing summer vacation and I’m thrilled to betsy about it.

Last night, the girls came over for an End of School party. I made cupcakes, and we had turkey burgers, green beans, baked beans and pickles for dinner and it was delightful. Today, I’ve got Glennys, Jessie, Sam and Jordyn here, and again, all is well. I wish it was sunshiney nice outside, but have grown somewhat used to the rain. No longer remember what it’s like to trek outside to the park.

I have thirty three books checked out of the library, do you think that’s excessive? Two are not books but movies, and at least eight or nine of the books are children’s books, but still, that leaves over twenty books that I’m slowly working my way thru. I’ve checked out several books on Judaism, since the conversion is OMG on Monday. I’m nervous about it, but mostly just eager to have it over and done with.

My goals for this summer are to get Jessie really independently reading. I’d like to see her able to pick up a paperback and curl up with it to read. I’d really like to get Sam over and done with nursing, and plan on really trying hard on that, once we get done with camping. The poor kid hates camping, and I’m not going to try and get him to sleep thru the night without nursing while we’re sleeping outside, mainly because I think my sister (who’s campsite we’ll be staying on) will kill me. And finally… I’d like to get pregnant. I’m not on any birth control now, relying on luck and infrequency to postpone getting pregnant until after Becky – but by the fall, I’d like to start at least actively trying.